Through Hell and High Water....then a Rainbow!

As a mother, I think we all mark our own aging with the passing of milestones, achievements, and life events of our children. I know I often think to myself what I was doing at age such and such compared to what my daughters are doing at that same age. When they went to college, when they graduated and got their first “real” jobs, when they rented their first apartment or bought their first home – all things that made me stop and realize the true adults they had become and how our relationship was changing from parent/child to friends. Anyone who reads my writings regularly knows that my daughters are the crown jewels of my life’s work. I was good at other things, other things mattered to me but nothing more important than my family. I took a risk twenty years ago when I left my marriage and came out as gay. The price I paid was very high – so high that when I tell the story, people actually cry – I do too sometimes, when I think back to that time. I have touched on my experience a little bit in past writings, but I have never really written the whole truth about that time – Simultaneously, the saddest and happiest days of my life. Someday I will, but not today.

Stephanie and I embarked on a road of raising these three girls of mine as an out, lesbian couple. In my small town Catholic world, we had no role models, we knew no one else doing any such thing, it was scary, but we were determined to do our best job.  Our goal to raise compassionate, confident, loving young women who we would protect and guide and simply, do our best. Things were very different back then. I think sometimes, people forget how the LGBT community was treated by many in the main stream. It is unimaginable in today’s world, but the perception was that people were not as kind or accepting. I was told my girls would suffer from being raised in such a household. I was told they would not be accepted, that my “sin” would become theirs. I was told no decent boy would want to date them. I was told they would be alone in the world. I was told all of these things by people who no longer matter to me. I was told these things to try to scare me (it worked), to try to deter me from living an authentic life (that didn’t work) – even though living that life was my only option.

I look back at those first few years of me and Steph and our little family and I just smile now. It was us against the world. Our Ludlow house that Steph bought us and helped me make into a beautiful home. Our bike rides to the park as a family. That first family trip we took to Niagara Falls, packed lunches and coolers full of food because we didn’t have money even for fast food. Meal planning, budgeting, homemade gifts, backyard games…so many happy times, just the five of us. Our holidays and free weekends were spent in Columbus with Steph’s amazing family. They loved us from the start, they never questioned me, they never doubted Steph and her decision to uproot her life and move to be with us, they just loved us and accepted us at a time when it seemed no one else did. Her sister’s home becoming my refuge, my girls sleeping on the floor in the basement, Mickey Mouse pancakes made by Aunt Natalie the next morning. The kindness of people who were strangers to me and my girls, forever imprinted on my heart and lessons taught to my daughters. Lessons, I have since learned, they have never forgotten. 

We navigated it all, me and Steph. It wasn’t easy, as many parents know, teenagers can wreak havoc on a relationship – but we did what we needed to do to get through it and to come out stronger on the other side. We made the choice every day to stick it out, it was worth it to us, in spite of it all. 

Noah

This past weekend our oldest daughter got married to the man of her dreams.  Micaela had planned the most beautiful wedding, she and her coordinator worked on all the details down to the type of water goblets we would have at the reception. I was simply a sounding board for them and offered my opinion when asked. There is no way to plan for a hurricane, however. 

Greenville, SC is six hours inland from where Hurricane Helene made land in Florida. Of course, we had been watching the weather, we knew to expect rain on the Friday before the wedding, but we had no reason to think the eye of a Category 2/3 hurricane would pass over us on Thursday night – wreaking havoc on the entire city. An hour from here is Asheville, NC and the devastation and loss of life there is unfathomable – a reality that we were unaware of as we dealt with our own problems from the storm – minor in comparison, but our reality as we tried to pull off a wedding. 

It is almost comical now, a week later and everyone we love safe, to look back on everything that went wrong. Starting on Thursday with getting locked out of our Airbnb for four hours, to the chaos of Friday. No electric, all roads out of the Airbnb blocked by

Our view from the Airbnb

huge trees, Micaela and Noah’s roof sprouting a major leak, friends and family driving from home on the road for 12-18 hours just to have to turn around and go back home, cancelled flights, my nephew’s panicked phone call as he is driving that the road washed out behind him, the call that the road leading to the chapel was covered in a landslide and, most likely, the chapel would be inaccessible, stores closed for last minute purchases, rearranging the itinerary, etc. I could go on and on but that is for another day… 

To see the disappointment for Micaela and Noah was very difficult – we all cried - both together and separately - about so many things.  All the planning for this most important day going up in smoke. That my best friends from home wouldn’t be attending – tears for me and for them. I know they had all been so excited for me and Steph and for Micaela. I cried that my two sisters in law and my one brother wouldn’t make it, in spite of their best efforts. I cried that my other two brothers just chose not to come. I cried, a lot, and not for the reasons a Mother of the Bride normally cries. It still makes me sad to think of it, but a little less sad each day as I learn, once again, that time does heal all wounds.

When I look back now, I see much more of the positive…I see Steph, Rylee and I working our asses off to figure out how to load the car with all of our supplies, wind whipping our faces and rain pelting our clothes.  We were determined to get our cars to the hotel, in spite of every road being blocked, I see the neighbors at our Airbnb (again strangers who were so kind) waving and cheering us on as they let us drive through their yards in order to get out. I see my nephew Nick and my German cousin Jasper unloading the cars, returning rental cars, running errands, just being there for me for anything I needed. I see the happy faces of some of the guests when we arrived at the hotel, smiles and hugs and the reality for Micaela and Noah that they were, in spite of a hurricane, going to be married. I see our friends at the Welcome Party – in their best dressed outfits, laughing, enjoying and being “present” for us. I see Steph’s sisters helping us with the emergency lunch we had to have for the bridesmaids when the ceremony time got pushed back. I see Rylee’s friend Meredith printing edited toasts and running from store to store to buy those last minute supplies, we couldn't buy the day before. I see the texts from friends offering to watch our dogs, to pick up ice, to do anything they could do to help us. I see our Greenville dog sitter, unselfishly texting back “yes” when I tell him our dog plan fell through due to the weather and could he stay with four dogs at an Airbnb with no electric for an entire weekend. I don’t know what we would have done without that YES. I see Micaela’s wedding planner calmly hearing the news that the chapel was unusable and coming up with the most beautiful Plan B I have ever seen, all in six hours time. I see my nieces and nephews who drove through hell and high water to get there, smiling at me as I walked down the aisle, tears in their eyes. I see my friend Kathy, the officiant, leading us at the Rehearsal. I will never ever forget the beautiful ceremony she performed to marry my child. I see Rylee and Lainey and Spencer helping, engaged, loving their sister and Noah, with tears streaming down their faces as they witnessed their sister and new brother express such deep felt love for one another. I see my cousin from Germany and her family who loved us enough to make the trip. I see the astonishment in their eyes after surviving their first hurricane – knowing they have so many stories to tell. I see my mom, healthy and thriving and singing along to Wide Open Spaces surrounded by her granddaughters.  

I see so many little miracles that had to occur to make the day happen, let alone as spectacular as it was. I see Micaela and Noah working together, as a team, fully dialed in to each other, fully supporting each other, making decisions, important decisions, on the fly but always together. I see my savior and hero, Stephanie, working and working and running around, and still looking beautiful with a smile on her face, saving the day in so many ways, big and small – from Lowe’s trips, to roof repairs, to negotiating a way out of the Airbnb with the neighbors, to loading, unloading, packing, unpacking – to the hugs for me, the reassurances that it would, indeed, all work out, to her smile when she saw her family, to her laughter on Friday night as she sat with our friends, to me talking her into holding my hand as we walked down the aisle – I could not have survived the weekend without her. She is my best friend, my best teammate and the best partner and stepmom I could have ever asked for. 

Looking back now, I mostly see my beautiful daughter and her husband. I see her happiness, her resilience, her ability to pivot when things got tough and her plan went up in smoke, I see her making the best of the situation and allowing the changes to just “be”. I see Noah loving her and encouraging her and accepting her tears and just hugging her through it – setting his own disappointment aside to be fully present for her. I see a team, much like me and Steph, both accepting their roles and utilizing their strengths to navigate a very difficult situation. I see the makings of a successful marriage, two best friends with their whole lives ahead of them. 

I can’t put into words the feelings I had the entire day on Saturday. At times, I was distracted at having to plan certain aspects, making decisions without consulting anyone and just hoping for the best. At times, I was fully engaged seeing Micaela and her bridesmaids in all their splendor, soaking in the glorious day. They were all so happy and entirely beautiful. To know Micaela has such wonderful friends to stand by her side is such a comfort. 

Micaela and I didn’t share any quiet times, I didn’t pass on any sage advice, I have done that throughout her life, she didn’t need me to tell her anything on this day, besides that she would be ok, she wouldn’t pass out, it was good they wrote their own vows, and it would all be worth it in the end. I just tried to be there for her and, under the circumstances, I hope I did okay. 

When it was time for the ceremony to start, I was able to drop all the anxiety, sadness, disappointment, and worry.  I walked down the aisle in the makeshift chapel, hand in hand with Stephanie, sat down, took a breath and just was. What followed was the most special, romantic, intimate ceremony I have ever been a part of.  Tears streamed down my face several times - when I made eye contact with my most special guy, Noah, when my best friend and officiant, Kathy, struggled to fight her own tears, when my beautiful daughters walked down the aisle right before their sister, when I rose to witness Miceala - eyes focused on a tearful Noah, make her triumphant passage down the aisle, in front of so many people who love her, to her soulmate, Noah.  And, of course, when I heard them speak their promises to one another. When I saw my other daughters cry at the beauty of it all and the sweetest other boy of our family, Spencer, finally end his struggle to stop the tears, letting a few fall slowly down his cheeks. It was a rendering for all of us, a letting go and letting God reconciliation of thanks for being there, being together and experiencing something we would never forget. 

The reception was... well, let’s just say it seemed everyone had had enough of the weather and the stress and was just ready to party. It was one for the ages. I feel so blessed that the people who were able to make it, were truly present.  I had to lie to get the German rope ceremony to happen, Nick bought a $5 rope at Walmart - we all did our part to make sure Micaela and Noah got the full wedding they deserved. 

We did our "cool kid" jagermeister shot (IYKYK) in the bathroom Micaela offering a hilarious toast and a rousing rendition of Ein Prosit, the bartender had to get more vodka because the original allotment ran out, and when the DJ started the night with my signature song, “Pour Some Sugar on Me”, I knew we were in for an epic evening. I even got to buy “shots for the bar” at the after party. I think everyone agrees it was a perfect night. 

I was honored to get to do the toast at the reception to commemorate the evening. It is copied below if you are still reading (haha).  I love this new role I have been given by my family and friends.  It gives me the opportunity to dial in to my thoughts, feelings and memories, and express myself to those who are important to me.  I always knew I had a gift for writing, but the public speaking aspect is new.  I enjoy it.  So, while those I am toasting think of it as my gift to them, in reality it is their gift to me. 

This wedding of my oldest was an experience. One that I wouldn’t trade for the world, even with everything that happened. I come away thankful that no one was hurt, thankful for those friends and family who made the night so special, and thankful for my immediate family of 5 growing into 6, with the joining of my most special son in law. The event marked the passing of time for me, the mark of a new phase in my life as my daughter now embarks on the most important phase of hers.

(keep scrolling past the photos for the toast)     

Good evening, everyone.  My name is Gretchen, and I am blessed and honored to speak to you tonight as the Mother of the Bride!  Along with my partner, Stephanie, and Micaela’s dad, Joe, we want to thank you for coming to celebrate Micaela and Noah.  We know many of you traveled from around the country, through a hurricane,  and cancelled flights, navigated road closures, dodged down trees and electrical lines and somehow managed to show up looking so handsome and beautiful, thank you for being here. 

It may be cliché, but I am pretty positive that if I had ordered the perfect partner for Micaela from Amazon, Noah would have been delivered to my door.  When we first met Noah at Thanksgiving in 2020, Micaela described him as a friend that she had met at her apartment community and had become close to during the Covid shutdowns.  Steph and I were curious of course, wondering if there was something more to the story.  After all, Micaela had been single for more than a year, we knew she was “dating to marry” and even had a top ten checklist that she had created to make sure the next guy met her standards. So, we met Noah and our now first grand dog, Dexter, and we were immediately both intrigued and impressed.  What he showed us that first weekend are attributes we still see in him to this day.  He is respectful, helpful, funny, engaged, caring, he loves family.  After dinner, and more than a few drinks, Noah and I hit our kitchen dance floor and, after seeing his dance moves, I really hoped he was a keeper.  To no one’s surprise, it wasn’t long after that weekend that Micaela informed us that Noah was her boyfriend.  We can all rest assured that Noah had a job, a clean house, lived within his means, hung his clothes in the closet, had very little debt, had a high credit score, loved animals, had clean shoes, and loved our family – how do we know these things you may be wondering? We know these things because those attributes were what made up Micaela’s top ten checklist.  She’s practical if nothing else.    

Let me tell you a little bit about Micaela. She has a gentle heart, she has always been one to cling to routine and schedules, to this day unexpected changes completely unacceptable.  You all can just imagine how unbearable the last 72 hours have been for me and Noah,  yet here we are. After all she was born on her due date, settled right in as the perfect sleeper and hit every milestone right when she was supposed to. She had, what I like to call, a shining light around her, literally always happy and concerned for others, everyone noticed it and commented on it.  She is the consummate older sister and became mommy’s little helper to her two younger siblings, by the ripe old age of 3.  Forever patient with her sisters and especially with me, she was inclusive and empathetic beyond her years.  She is special.

Micaela, when I gave birth to you, my life’s purpose was also born. My love for you is eternal and now I see that love reflected in Noah’s eyes when he looks at you.  Being your mother has been my greatest honor, to get to know you first, love you first and have a front row seat to your magic has been God’s greatest gift to me.  Because of you I unashamedly wear my heart on my sleeve, I know what unconditional love is, and I know what it feels like to watch a little girl grow up into a beautiful woman and become one of my best friends.  I hope you know that I am thankful for you, every single day.  

While Micaela was my little rule follower, I have been told that Noah brought his own special energy to the world.  Rough and tumble, a boy’s boy in every sense of the word, a rubble rouser from the first grade on, he like to raise a little hell.  He is one of the hardest workers and best providers I know, fiercely loyal and eternally protective of those he loves.  These attributes remind me of my dad, Micaela’s Opa, a German immigrant who came to the USA with literally nothing and, along with my mom, built what anyone would describe as an incredible life.  There are 12 grandchildren in our family, and my daughters are the only girls.  Opa, being old school, always worried a little more about them, wanted to be sure they were cared for and loved and, yes, found someone to protect them.  I know his spirit is here tonight, relishing in all of the splendor surrounding his first granddaughter marrying a strong, solid man who will be by her side for all of life’s ups and downs.  Opa would have loved you, Noah, and I am so sad that you never got to meet. 

Micaela, you are so ready to be Noah’s wife.  Your nurturing way, your ability to make a house into a home, and the way you focus Noah and calm him when storms come his way.  Be his best mate, be his sidekick, but most of all never stop being his girlfriend and loving partner.  Support him, love him, be tender with him and insist that he be tender with you.  He needs that from you.  Noah’s future role in your family as breadwinner and father is the perfect complement to the dream you have always had to be a wife, homemaker and mother.  It is with such great joy that I know you have found him, please always cherish him. 

Noah, I think I knew even before you did that you were going to be Micaela’s husband.  I knew by the light that shined in her eyes when she looked at you, I knew by the way she talked about you, how she admires you, the respect she has for you, you are the man she had been searching for.  So, while she has been mine for the most wonderful season of my life, it is time for me to let her go to be your wife.  While my heart may remember the sweet moments of the past, her future belongs to you.  I ask that you celebrate her as I have all these years.  Every day continue to make her feel amazing, smart and strong.  Believe in her and be her safe place and her protector, the arms she can fall into when life gets to be too much.  While Micaela and I loved each other first, it is my sincere hope that you and she will love each other last.  

To you both, here is the reality, any long-term relationship, including marriage, is hard and only a fool would tell you it isn’t.  There are many of us in this room who have been with our partners for 20, 40, and even 60 years.  I think we would all agree that we made it this long because of forgiveness, tolerance, patience and moving past mistakes that were made. We chose our partner every single day – on days when one of our dogs piddled on the floor from excitement,  on days when one of us played video games a little too long,  on days when the other one of us made us watch the Kardashians for the hundredth time, on days when our roof leaked, and on days when a hurricane tried to ruin our wedding  – we all got up the next day and we chose each other . I want you to know that long marriages make it because of hard work.  While it isn’t easy, it is so worth it.  It’s worth it because you did it together, it’s worth it because you get to share the good and the bad with someone who is in the trenches with you every day, it’s worth it because one day you will look back at your story with pride that you made it. After watching you two work together and support one another over the last 48 hours, I saw firsthand what a great team you are. I am impressed.  

Finally, as many of you know, one of my favorite things to do is to buy “shots for the bar”.  The Jägermeister shot sitting in front of you is the wedding reception equivalent of me standing on a barstool, yelling “shots for the bar” as strangers cheer and my friends laugh, all the while Steph tries to pull me down and cover my mouth!  It is at this time I want to ask everyone to stand and raise your shots in celebration of Micaela and Noah.  I want to invite my family and those friends, who have been around long enough to know the words, to lead us in a round of Ein Prosit.  As the official celebration song of my family, this night wouldn’t be complete without it. 

Micaela and Noah – May you continue to choose each other first, just you have today. Here's to a lifetime of happiness and success, endless trips to Skyline Chili and self-care Thursdays for Micaela, video game nights and Zaxby’s for Noah, much laughter, long lasting friendships, a houseful of pets and many children and, by golly, the Bengals winning the Super Bowl. I love you both more than words can say. Prost!

 

 

 

Go Make a Difference

Like many families, we celebrated a college graduation over the weekend. Rylee completed her master's degree in Global Health at Emory University in Atlanta.  Surrounded by her family and friends, we celebrated her, her hard work, her accomplishments and her perseverance in completing this lifelong goal.  To say we are proud of her is an understatement. 

As always, I commemorated the special occasion with a toast in the form of a story and I share it with you all here.  Rylee is truly an amazing person. When I was writing her toast, in the interest of time, I had to omit so much of her life, her journeys and adventures.  When she and I shared some quiet time this weekend, I mentioned that to her - all the places she has gone, connections she has made, people she has helped and she is only 25 years old -  who she is today is a result of her combined experiences, her various mentors, the people she has served and, maybe even a little bit because of the nest she flew out of in Park Hills, KY.  She blows me away with her poise, brains and gentle heart.  I know she will change whatever corner of the world she decides to call home and I am honored to have a front row seat. 

I remember when Rylee was about 15 – I won’t say she was your typical 15 year old because we really didn’t have too many issues or problems even during the teenage years – but this one particular time, we were in an argument about something, and as the mom, I was always sure to never pick an argument that I wasn’t going to win…and this was one of those times…as she stormed off, stomping up the stairs, mad as a wet hen Rylee said, “I hate it here…I am going to do my homework…”  I guess that was one way to get me…by studying.

Rylee had big goals since middle school, interested in the world and what was out there waiting to be experienced and discovered.  As a 9^th grader, she was the only under classman to go on a mission trip to Peru – a trip I credit with truly igniting her passion for serving, helping our environment, and further sparking her curiosity about the world. 

9th grade Rylee
heading to Peru

In college, she spent a summer in Nicaragua, on her own dime, extending her trip by volunteering in a scuba shop, taking daily scuba trips to tend to the polluted coral reefs, mastering night dives and living her dream. 

In Nicaragua, we would go days
without hearing from her

Always up for adventure -
hiking the Grand Canyon

Intership at the Newport Aquarium    

 Her study abroad in Spain, introduced her to working with underprivileged populations, while also completing her near fluency in Spanish.  There have been other adventures, internships and projects – honestly too many to name here. Suffice it to say that at every turn, Rylee has taken advantage of life’s possibilities and used them to further her goals.

Enjoying a visit while in Spain    

When CV19 hit in 2020, Rylee was on her senior spring break trip.  As she sat on the beach celebrating one last time with her college friends, the world around her was closing down.  I will never forget her phone call to me that some of her friends were leaving their trip early due to the panic around the virus, then when she got back to campus, she found her in person classes cancelled – no chance to say goodbye to her professors or classmates. She completed her degree online, “graduated” virtually and had her much anticipated, hard sought Peace Corp assignment to Rwanda taken away.   Her well laid plans, years in the making, completely altered – graduate from Clemson, Peace Corp for two years, grad school, career.

As her mom, this was probably the lowest I had ever seen Rylee.  She had always been resilient and was able to deal with life’s disappointments with poise and grace, but this setback, coupled with some personal struggles and on top of what almost every new college graduate experiences as far as anxiety and sadness and wondering what to do next – it was almost too much.  It was hard to watch and hard to let her experience it without stepping in and fixing it…She had to move home, her worst nightmare, live with me and Steph and Joe, something she could never have even considered.  Like all 2020 grads, she went about trying to find a job in the worst economy of her lifetime.  It took her about two months to right the ship in her mind, to reconsider her goals and how to achieve them – to make the most of the hand she had been dealt.

Internships can lead to JOBS! 

Needless to say, she did just that because here we are 4 years later, and she is still accomplishing the next step towards her ultimate goal.  She didn’t do it the way she thought she would with the Peace Corp and then grad school, but she did it and I think even she would admit that the work experience she received at Healthy Moms and Babes is going to benefit as much if not more than the Peace Corp experience. 

Moving to Atlanta, by herself, knowing no one and, academically, going up against some of the nation’s best and brightest – she never backed down.  She made new friends, got a job, then got two – she volunteered, she made connections and built relationships that will last a lifetime. 

Graduating today with a 4.0, that she fought for every step of the way – group projects be damned – and winning the esteemed “Excellence in Research” award – I could not be prouder.

Rylee, as you stand here on the threshold of your future, I want to tell you how much I love you and admire you.  Your unwavering determination and commitment to your goals has impressed me beyond words. Through late nights of study, countless hours of research, and the occasional moment of doubt, you persevered, never losing sight of your goals.

Today, is a testament to your academic achievements, but it is also a symbol of your unwavering commitment to excellence. Your dedication to your studies, your passion for learning, and your thirst for knowledge that have brought you to this moment.

But beyond the diplomas and accolades, it is your commitment to service that is most impressive. Every step of this journey, you have touched the lives of those around you in many ways, serving those in need, bettering their lives and making a difference in the world.  I have no doubt your journey will continue along this path.   

As you embark on this next chapter, know that the world is yours to conquer. Armed with your education, your integrity, and your boundless determination, there is no challenge too great, no dream too big for you to achieve. Remember to always stay true to yourself, to never lose sight of your values, and to continue following your passions with steadfast conviction.

I will finish with this from Jessica Jocelyn.

“If I could keep you little forever, I wouldn’t.  As much as you are a part of me, you don’t belong to me. You belong to the wind, the moon, the stars.  Your heart is going to change the world and make it a better place and, if I’m lucky, I will be here to watch you do it.” 

Shine brightly, Rylee! I love you, Prost! 

"At Every Table I'll Save You a Seat..." Lover/Taylor Swift

 

A few weekends ago, Micaela, my oldest, became engaged.  Her fiancé, Noah, is a man she has been dating for about three years.  The emotions around this event are those of pure, unadulterated joy.  Noah planned the entire surprise, inviting family and friends weeks before, challenging us all to keep the secret so the night could be as special as possible for Micaela.   Keeping the secret was no easy task but we all managed to honor Noah's wishes.  Micaela was completely blown away with the presence of so many people who loved her, Noah and them as a couple.  Somehow, we all made it to Greenville, SC (where they live) spent a couple days together enjoying a mini vacation, all the while Micaela was clueless, a mere 5 miles away.  

A picture is worth 1,000 words.....    

 One of the sweetest and most memorable parts   of the event, for me, is that Noah so routinely plans "surprise, let's get dressed up and go to a nice dinner" type nights for them, that Micaela didn't suspect a thing when he told her the week before to pick out her prettiest dress, because he  found a new fancy restaurant he wanted to  take her to, to celebrate a "bonus" he received on his paycheck.  Micaela thought nothing of it other than to wonder where he may be taking her.  She didn't ask any questions, because that is their way - planning surprises for one another, the joy of the planning as much fun as the surprise itself.  

Noah and his family    

Understandably, Noah had an anxious week - I received phone calls and texts filled with excitement, happiness and a bit of anxiety that the surprise wouldn't work out.  Anyone who knows her, knows Micaela is observant and curious so Noah had good reason to be worried.  But facts are, she didn't have a clue.  Her genuine surprise, expressions, tears of happiness are things I will never forget.  She said later it was the best night of her life and I think anyone who was there, would believe it.  

We celebrated and partied until the wee hours of the morning.  We danced, did shots, sang, and gave toasts.  It was one for the ages - mainly because the couple and their friends and loved ones were bursting with happiness.

I was honored to give a toast/speech at the engagement party, and I share that with you here in this blog post. 

Micaela and Noah being "toasted".

Two of the most wonderful people I have ever met are joining their lives, with the blessings and shared happiness of their families and friends.  I hope you can feel my love, admiration and happiness in the words I spoke that night.  

I wanted to thank you all for joining us today to celebrate this joyous occasion – the engagement of Micaela and Noah.  I know most of you travelled to get here and that extra effort, I am sure means the world to them.   As you can all imagine, I couldn't be prouder or happier to stand before you and share a few words on this special day.

From the moment she was born, my heart swelled with love and dreams for Micaela and her future. I watched her grow into a remarkable woman, filled with kindness, intelligence, and a zest for life. Today, as I look at her standing beside the man of her dreams, I see a radiant happiness that words simply cannot capture.

Noah, from the moment I met you that fateful Thanksgiving 2020 (if you know you know), it was clear that there was something special brewing between the two of you.  I am still not sure if you were actually a couple or dating then but I knew, by the way Micaela was with you, that you were different.  It was just a matter of time before she told me, a few months later, you were the one, you checked all the boxes.  Since then, as we have gotten to know you, we are sure that you are, indeed, the one. Your work ethic is beyond compare and your love of a good time embodies the work hard play hard philosophy that fits in so well with our family.  We love that you never meet a stranger and that you are willing to go to the mat to stick up for your family and friends, especially Micaela.  We could not have designed a more perfect partner for our daughter.

Micaela, I want you to know how incredibly proud I am of the woman you have become. Today marks the beginning of a new chapter in your life, and I have no doubt that this journey will be filled with love, laughter, and countless cherished memories. Your compassion, positivity, and spirit have always inspired me, and I am confident that you will bring these qualities into your new role as Noah’s wife, just as you have in everything else you do. 

As a couple, your love and respect for one another is a testament to the strong foundation upon which your future together will be built. I have seen firsthand the way you support and encourage each other, and it fills my heart with joy to know that you two have found each other.  Steph and I have enjoyed getting to know Noah’s mom, Melissa and brother, Aaron.  We know they share our happiness in knowing these two are going to be tying the knot.  We look forward to many more shared times and happy memories as a family.

I have had the distinct honor of watching Micaela date the duds, bring them home for me to meet as I secretly hoped she would not think they were “the one”, they weren’t.  I remember when she and the last dud broke up, while many of her friends were getting engaged, moving in with their significant other and taking the next steps and Micaela said to me, “I just can’t imagine liking a boy enough to want to live with them and have their smelly stuff in my closet and spend every day with them…”  I wonder if she remembers my reply??? It was “You just haven’t met the right guy yet”.  Noah, trust me when I say that if she accepts your smelly boy stuff, wants to spend time with you each day and still likes you – you have conquered the mountain. 

When Noah came and asked Steph and I for Micaela’s hand in marriage, I was so moved by the innocence in which Noah spoke his truth about his life with Micaela….how she makes every day better, how he was in a dark place when they met and her outlook on life made him want to be the best man he could ever be…how he wanted to be her husband, how he cherished her and their life together.  As we all cried, I told Noah that nothing would make me happier than to have him join our family.  Once a family of 5 strong willed, independent, take no prisoners women –  tonight, we officially welcome the first smelly boy into our clan.

To everyone gathered here, thank you for being a part of this celebration. Your presence represents the love and support that surround Micaela and Noah, as they begin this incredible journey together.  Many of you may not know this but the ring Noah used to propose tonight is a family heirloom.  It is the same ring my dad proposed to my mom with back in 1959 – my parents were married for 60 years before my dad passed away in 2020.  And while my dad never met Noah, I have no doubt that Opa is smiling down on this celebration, holding up his shot of Jägermeister and beaming with joy. The ring represents the legacy of our family – and now it starts the legacy of the Noah and Micaela Coffey family.  When in doubt – look at that ring, remember the love that was shared by Oma and Opa was not a love that was easy or all roses – they struggled, I am sure there were times they didn’t like each other – but every single day they made the choice of each other and their family – every single day they chose love. I feel certain your marriage will honor the heritage of that ring.  

Let’s raise our glasses to Micaela and Noah – to a lifetime of more ups than downs, to adventures filled with laughter and love, to shared dreams, to keeping each other’s secrets, to innocent love, respect and honor, to a journey so sweet with joy that in 60 years you will look back and smile at the wonder of it all – to never forgetting why you fell in love in the first place.  I love you both so much!  Prost.

 

We are so lucky my mom could join us.

David, Nick and Molly are special cousins who made the trip.

Soldiering On

 

It happened in Milwaukee on October 29, 2022.  It seems all bad things with regard to volleyball and Lainey and Wright State happen in Milwaukee.  The text I sent to an alumni mom before I walked in the gym to watch the match, said "Walking it to fricken Milwaukee.  I will not miss this place."  And the mom understood and knew exactly what I was talking about, having survived 4 years of Milwaukee trips with me as our daughters played together.  

Over two weeks ago, surgery, crutches, a scooter, Senior Weekend, celebrations, regular season conference champions, last road trip ever, undefeated conference record, hosting the tournament, and riding the longest winning streak in the NCAA's this season.  All of that has happened in two weeks. Two weeks since her Achilles broke, she crumpled to the gym floor and, for the first time in her career, she couldn't get up, she couldn't tape it up and get back out there, she couldn't do rehab and miss a few games.  Two weeks since her volleyball career abruptly ended for all of us. 

Facebook is what prompted this writing....opening the app and the blinking cursor beckoning me to share what is on my mind.  What's on my mind Facebook asks...and a stream of thought comes over me.  The last week, I have spent a lot of time on my own.  I like to be alone. I enjoy the quiet.  Sometimes I listen to podcasts, sometimes I just listen to the silence.  When I am going through something hard, my people know that I need to be alone to process it and make sense of it. I need that time and I am thankful for the understanding.  I am thankful for the silence.

I miss watching my kid play the sport she loves so much. There, I said it.  I was ready for the end of her career, just not like this. I can’t really explain it in a way that makes sense or in a way that doesn’t sound “dramatic”.  You see, I know she will be just fine, she will heal and will go on and do great things with her life.  I hear you all when you tell me that, I also already knew that.  That doesn’t really make the processing of all of this any easier.  Until I gain perspective, I am held hostage by the why’s, what if’s and why her’s. 

All of my daughters are “high flyers” who have been given much and, in return, will give much back.  They are my greatest achievements and I have often shared my pride in the people they have become to the readers of this blog.  Lainey will also shine bright in whatever she chooses to do, no doubts there.  But, for now, dammit, I miss watching her play…I grieve for the sudden end of her career, I grieve for her and for me and for so many others who admired her or who just loved watching her play – the same as I did.  To see her on the sidelines, silently wiping a stray tear that escapes during the national anthem, then immediately flipping the switch to cheer and clap and help coach her team is one of the hardest things to watch as a mom….and one of my proudest.  It seems easier for her than it is for me, I am thankful for that but wonder how much she is faking?  I know she still doesn’t understand, she still tells me how unfair it is that “the girl who loved volleyball more than anyone else, is the girl who had her season cut short” – her teammates would attest to that.  Life is unfair my child, it is just unfair sometimes. 

 I fight every day for perspective.  As I nested this week, prepping for Thanksgiving, making our home beautiful, planning, cleaning, organizing.  I tuned out of the sadness and anger and let the work absorb me.  Being busy helps.  I know we will make sense of this someday – the why is always the last piece to any complicated puzzle.  As the mom, the pressure to have the answer is persistent – this time I don’t have the answer, I don’t know the ‘why’, I just have to trust that my past experiences with difficult things will be the same as this and the ‘why’ will reveal itself when it is good and ready.  In its own time…meanwhile we sit with these feelings, overwhelmed by them at times, even the busy has to end, and the silence becomes thoughts that thunder through my mind and storm down on my heart.  So many feelings of frustration, anger, bitterness, sadness, empathy, compassion….too many feelings every single day - and the busy is only temporary.  

Time will have to be our other friend.  As time passes, oh so slowly in these situations, the feelings do become muted, the edges soften.  A small perspective is gained, it is not consistent though and ebbs and flows as I process it all, but it is there, and I know with time it will grow.  

As the magical perspective takes hold more and more, I am able to see many things – the team of incredible athletes soldiering on.  The devastation they all felt with their leader going down evident from every player and parent on the team.  The night it happened - the sadness, the fear, the doubt – we all felt it.  It is a blur to me, that night, but the hugs and tears and reassurances we all gave each other are crystal clear.  We all knew though, we all knew.  

I left the gym that night for the first time ever without hugging Jenna....Lainey’s roommate, teammate and best friend. The tear soaked face of her and her parents were just too much for me.  This wonderful person and player who I admire so much, so upset and hurt and my heart couldn’t take anymore.  Her sadness palpable the next day as I found her sitting on their couch, in silence, tears streaming down her face.  Unspoken - but I know she grieved for Lainey, for me, for the team and mostly, for herself.  She found me in the laundry room a little bit later. We hugged and cried and held each other there.  Our strength when Lainey was around dissipating as we gave in to the emotions that were consuming us.  Her doubting her ability to be on the court without Lainey, me loving her for saying that but knowing full well what a bad ass she is  and that she would be just fine.  The pure emotion shared by everyone around this one event, the opportunity to make something great out of this - filed away. 

Together for 5 years. Breaking records, making history. Roommates, teammates, best friends. Jenna will finish on the court without Lainey but they will forever be side by side

The team and parents came to realize, with our blessing, that it was not only okay to play without her, but it was okay and expected they still win and they still play with joy.  These athletes have shown incredible mental toughness – they have soldiered on in the face of great adversity.  While Lainey was an important piece to their exceptional success, she was just one piece.  As volleyball is the ultimate team sport, everyone on the team has a part in the success and the failures.  Her team had to learn that and they did, they are...with each win, their confidence growing.   These young women have learned valuable life lessons from this, lessons they will draw on later in life.  I have no doubt about that.  I add that to my score card and store it away for when the thunder comes and I can’t silence my mind. 

I am a big believer in saying the important things out loud.  I give speeches at birthdays and graduations, I make toasts and I buy “shots for the bar” to celebrate anything and everything.  One of my friends mentioned this to me over the summer, she said, “I was telling a friend how open you are with your feelings and how you tell people you love them and admire them and why and you do it publicly and I think that is really cool….”  I had never thought about it but it reminded me that most people do this at funerals.  My dad’s eulogy  was so well received by everyone as I wrote of his life and my admiration for him.  But, I still wonder if my dad knew? All of our quiet nights spent in various hospitals, mostly him talking and me listening…I can’t remember if he knew how I felt.  I know we apologized for life’s ups and downs, and we forgave each other in the very next breath. I guess that is most important, but it does bother me that he may have died and didn’t know – I wish I had written the eulogy as a tribute to him before he passed.  The realization that I didn’t sits with me and that goes in the regret pile. 

NKU fans made signs for Lainey and 
her team had her on the bench as she recovered
from surgery at home

Lainey’s injury caused her to be eulogized in a sense.  I can’t even begin to count the posts, pictures, texts, cards, flowers, emails, dm’s, and face to face interactions she has had from so many people.  Young athletes who admire her, older athletes who she played with or competed against, past coaches who are sad for her, opposing coaches who loved to game plan around her, current and past teammates and parents who share our sadness and grief, new friends and old friends who know how much she loved playing volleyball and understand the devastation.  I could go on and on.  The fact that she got to hear these things, that people took the time to reach out to her and express what she means to them, what competing against her or with her meant to them, heck she even got a couple job offers out of the deal…she is lucky and blessed in this regard, this would not have happened without her injury---I file the realization away. 

The new setter on the team is a senior, Katie Meyer.  She is a year behind Lainey and has never had much opportunity to play. She knew that when she committed to Wright State. She accepted her role and so did her family.  They have been some of Lainey’s biggest cheerleaders throughout her career.  Lainey and I have often said Katie is one of the best setters in the league and would play on just about any other roster.  She did her job well at Wright State and is an important part of their past success, running the scout team, watching the games from the sidelines, helping Lainey know where openings are, etc.  But now, Katie gets her chance.  I am sure it is bittersweet for her and her family, knowing that Lainey will never play again, but so proud that she has her time to shine.  She deserves it.  She works hard and has pushed Lainey to be the best she could be over the years. She had big shoes to fill but she is doing it.  She isn’t Lainey and that is a-ok, Katie brings her own gifts and talents to the court that are different than Laineys, but stellar all the same.  The team has rallied around her and the coaching staff believes in her.  I am proud of her for stepping in as she has, because nothing is more important right now than this team continuing to win and accomplishing all of their goals.  That rests with her now and her years of training and sacrifice are paying off.  It is nice to see her family get to watch her, I remember that, I miss that – watching your kid do something they love – there is really nothing like it.  Kudos to all of them, she has earned it and so have they. I hope they find joy and satisfaction.  Her success and her taking this opportunity and running with it gets filed away.  

I have begun to look forward to things after volleyball.  In the immediate future, everyone will be home for Thanksgiving and we are looking forward to a small gathering in our PJ’s playing cards and just being together.  When your kids are spread across the country, nothing is more important than family time. In the more distant future, there are so many great things, I can’t even list them all.  But I make myself consciously aware - there is so much good and positive in my life.  I am blessed in ways others can only dream of.  I realize these things easier now that some time has passed but still I am at the point of forcing it.  The good thoughts are not natural yet - the sadness is, the bitterness is – these feelings, not at all who I am, but overcome with those emotions.  I choose to remind myself by looking at photos or snapchat memories – the life we have created filled with love and happiness.  This blip of despair will pass, I know this – that also gets filed away.  

The next couple weeks will pass.  I won’t wish them away.  I will feel every feeling.  The team will continue to do great and set records and (hopefully) be playing in a third NCAA tournament in four years!  WOW wouldn’t that be incredible.  

My gratitude at what it was may take some time.  My bitterness and questioning won’t go away over night or even over weeks.  My sorrow for my daughter will heal, as she heals.  I will persist at being conscious of the blessings, even as the thunder of the despair weighs on me.  I have learned through other difficulties that soldiering on, while feeling every bit of it, is the way for me.  It is not for everyone, but it is for me.  It is why I file the good parts away and draw on them as much as possible when the despair rears its head.  

I won’t ever see her play again.

She won’t set the all time assists record.

She may not be Setter of the Year

Player of the Year will never be

She may not even make an All League team

She won’t play in another NCAA tournament

     …these dreams are gone…

 

I will always get to be her mom.

I share her future and her past, 

I am her rock and her number one fan no matter what she is doing

     …these things will never change…

 

She has set the standard at Wright State.

She will ALWAYS be remembered for how she played and what kind of person and teammate she was

She will cheer and help coach and relish in her team’s victories

She will continue to impact not only the volleyball world but the world in general.

She will do big things because that is what she does. 

      …these things are true….

 Eventually, days will go by that we don’t think about it, tears won’t fall and life will move on. This is how it is, this much I know to be true.  Life goes on…