Today, Micaela left for her adult life in a city far away from her home here in KY. We had a wonderful summer filled with a trip of a lifetime to Netherlands and Germany, many nights watching movies on the couch, snuggling with our favorite dogs, fostering a Mama Cat, taking walks, laughing and just enjoying each other's company. I knew today was coming, I had it marked on the calendar, we talked about it.
This morning she loaded up her Prius with her most prized possessions and hugged me as tears streamed down my face. Ready for her to go but not ready for her to be gone. Remembering again that the sign of being a successful mom is that you eventually are unemployed as your charges grow and become independent, friends more than children. If we do it well, and I have, they leave and they live, they thrive, they make mistakes, they grow, they fall in love and they become mothers and, alas, the circle of life. A job well done means you are left, without them, as they move on in their independence. Seeing her the last few days, organizing, cleaning, decluttering, writing out the family recipes for her very own recipe box...her own sort of 'nesting' as she prepares to be on her own, I was filled with emotions from all over the spectrum.
Never have I asked my kids to live a life I wanted for them, they will tell you the most thing that I am as a mom is supportive of their dreams and goals. Not a perfect parent by any stretch, but I very much stand by the cheerleader aspect of my parenting, as it has served my family very well. Their constant champion whispering in their ears - you've got this, you can do it, you will be okay - always believing in them and hoping they will believe in themselves - being a helper with problem solving or advising them when they ask, not a overbearing adult/mom - letting them make the decisions and choices but standing firmly right behind them to catch them if they fall. Believing in this, confident in this, today as I watched her load her car, hearing her saying goodbye to her favorite little dog, seeing her hug her sisters and Steph...it was all so different for me. For literally the first time in my life, as I held my oldest in my arms, I truly did not want to let go. I remember back to the first day of preschool, her chubby little hand in mine as we walk to her classroom...her face peering up at me, nervous, me smiling at her willing her to be ok. The contrast is not lost on me between now and then and the few short years in between that first separation, so temporary, to now, so permanent. Her walking with trepidation into Miss Lisa's room with the colorful flowers on the wall and Miss Lisa taking her hand from mine...me smiling trying to reassure her. She looking at me, silently asking to go back home to play with her sisters, to hang out with me. Me smiling back, knowing she would be ok, knowing it was time. Walking away and leaving her with Miss Lisa and her classmates, no tears from me then, it was right. So opposite of this moment now, as I hold her, cry into her long blonde hair, her body matching mine in height, we embrace as adults now, her body rigid at first, relaxes as we both shed tears.
For the first time in my life as am mom, at this moment I am thinking about me, what I want, what I need, and what is better for me, running thoughts in my head about me - I wasn't cheerleading, I wasn't helping, I was thinking of me and my hurt and my sadness. I wasn't thinking of her as I whispered in her ear that she could move in across the street and Steph would cut her grass - this statement had become an ongoing joke since we bought the duplex (yup) across the street a few months ago. But this time, when I said it, I meant it...I said it and I really meant it, rambling in my head words unspoken but there all the same, "Doesn't that sound great, move in across the street, come over for dinner, or to watch a movie or to have a glass of wine on the back patio....you know, do life with us, Micaela....don't leave, don't go, stay here with us." Mic laughs into my shoulder through her tears, she knows the joke well, she laughs, not realizing I am no't joking, not hearing the pleading sentences rambling on inside my head. I don't laugh with her, instead, I hug her more and tears slide, silently down my cheeks.
As we separate, Steph asks me 'is it different this time' me squeaking out a 'yes'...not knowing or understanding why. We had said this same goodbye countless times through her college years. I am used to going months without seeing her, staying connected via texts, phone calls and social media...this would be same routine, wouldn't it? Yet, so different. I couldn't answer why and I am still not sure exactly but this feels more permanent - she is on her own, making her way, no money from mom, her own lease, a new job, all of it. She won't ever live in our house again. She has committed to visiting for Mom's Weekend of Family Fun...an annual mandatory event that we created this week to assure me that at least once a year the nucleus of the five of us will spend one weekend a year at our home, just the five of us girls. More than anything, right now, I want to be selfish and ask her not to go, different in such a big way. I resist.
She leaves. She drives away. I cry and walk around the block. Steph and her sisters don't know what to do, I don't know what I need, this is all so new...so I walk and it is ok. I am not proud of the selfish thoughts I had, the desire to keep her here, have her marry a Cov Cath boy and raise her family minutes away from me - seems like a perfect life - for me, but not for her. She had the courage to cry with me, hug me, tell me she loved me and then to leave, to drive away to her new life and adventures and all the wonderful things waiting for her. She will always need me, I will always be her first call, I will always answer to hear her voice - harkening back to the days of her non stop babbling as a 9 month old, her incessant questioning as a two year old, even through her sulky teenage years, the contagious happiness she brings to our family. I will miss her but I will be okay. I will create a new normal and so will she.
If I didn't tell you a little piece of my heart left me today, I wouldn't be telling the whole truth. Our hearts on our sleeves, with lumps in our throats, tears on our cheeks...we let them go, and that may be the most loving gift of all.
**Note - as I returned from my walk around the block, her red car came down the street, she pulls into the driveway...In the seconds that pass as I wait for her to get out a movie like scene plays in my head...she is crying and saying she can't leave, doesn't want to go and runs to me and asks if she can move in across the street and will Steph really cut her grass, I say yes! yes! yes!
Instead...her car door opens, tears are dry, she smiles at me and says "I forgot the skyline hot sauce." and that, in a nutshell, is my Micaela. Godspeed sweet girl, your mama loves you.
