Through Hell and High Water....then a Rainbow!

As a mother, I think we all mark our own aging with the passing of milestones, achievements, and life events of our children. I know I often think to myself what I was doing at age such and such compared to what my daughters are doing at that same age. When they went to college, when they graduated and got their first “real” jobs, when they rented their first apartment or bought their first home – all things that made me stop and realize the true adults they had become and how our relationship was changing from parent/child to friends. Anyone who reads my writings regularly knows that my daughters are the crown jewels of my life’s work. I was good at other things, other things mattered to me but nothing more important than my family. I took a risk twenty years ago when I left my marriage and came out as gay. The price I paid was very high – so high that when I tell the story, people actually cry – I do too sometimes, when I think back to that time. I have touched on my experience a little bit in past writings, but I have never really written the whole truth about that time – Simultaneously, the saddest and happiest days of my life. Someday I will, but not today.

Stephanie and I embarked on a road of raising these three girls of mine as an out, lesbian couple. In my small town Catholic world, we had no role models, we knew no one else doing any such thing, it was scary, but we were determined to do our best job.  Our goal to raise compassionate, confident, loving young women who we would protect and guide and simply, do our best. Things were very different back then. I think sometimes, people forget how the LGBT community was treated by many in the main stream. It is unimaginable in today’s world, but the perception was that people were not as kind or accepting. I was told my girls would suffer from being raised in such a household. I was told they would not be accepted, that my “sin” would become theirs. I was told no decent boy would want to date them. I was told they would be alone in the world. I was told all of these things by people who no longer matter to me. I was told these things to try to scare me (it worked), to try to deter me from living an authentic life (that didn’t work) – even though living that life was my only option.

I look back at those first few years of me and Steph and our little family and I just smile now. It was us against the world. Our Ludlow house that Steph bought us and helped me make into a beautiful home. Our bike rides to the park as a family. That first family trip we took to Niagara Falls, packed lunches and coolers full of food because we didn’t have money even for fast food. Meal planning, budgeting, homemade gifts, backyard games…so many happy times, just the five of us. Our holidays and free weekends were spent in Columbus with Steph’s amazing family. They loved us from the start, they never questioned me, they never doubted Steph and her decision to uproot her life and move to be with us, they just loved us and accepted us at a time when it seemed no one else did. Her sister’s home becoming my refuge, my girls sleeping on the floor in the basement, Mickey Mouse pancakes made by Aunt Natalie the next morning. The kindness of people who were strangers to me and my girls, forever imprinted on my heart and lessons taught to my daughters. Lessons, I have since learned, they have never forgotten. 

We navigated it all, me and Steph. It wasn’t easy, as many parents know, teenagers can wreak havoc on a relationship – but we did what we needed to do to get through it and to come out stronger on the other side. We made the choice every day to stick it out, it was worth it to us, in spite of it all. 

Noah

This past weekend our oldest daughter got married to the man of her dreams.  Micaela had planned the most beautiful wedding, she and her coordinator worked on all the details down to the type of water goblets we would have at the reception. I was simply a sounding board for them and offered my opinion when asked. There is no way to plan for a hurricane, however. 

Greenville, SC is six hours inland from where Hurricane Helene made land in Florida. Of course, we had been watching the weather, we knew to expect rain on the Friday before the wedding, but we had no reason to think the eye of a Category 2/3 hurricane would pass over us on Thursday night – wreaking havoc on the entire city. An hour from here is Asheville, NC and the devastation and loss of life there is unfathomable – a reality that we were unaware of as we dealt with our own problems from the storm – minor in comparison, but our reality as we tried to pull off a wedding. 

It is almost comical now, a week later and everyone we love safe, to look back on everything that went wrong. Starting on Thursday with getting locked out of our Airbnb for four hours, to the chaos of Friday. No electric, all roads out of the Airbnb blocked by

Our view from the Airbnb

huge trees, Micaela and Noah’s roof sprouting a major leak, friends and family driving from home on the road for 12-18 hours just to have to turn around and go back home, cancelled flights, my nephew’s panicked phone call as he is driving that the road washed out behind him, the call that the road leading to the chapel was covered in a landslide and, most likely, the chapel would be inaccessible, stores closed for last minute purchases, rearranging the itinerary, etc. I could go on and on but that is for another day… 

To see the disappointment for Micaela and Noah was very difficult – we all cried - both together and separately - about so many things.  All the planning for this most important day going up in smoke. That my best friends from home wouldn’t be attending – tears for me and for them. I know they had all been so excited for me and Steph and for Micaela. I cried that my two sisters in law and my one brother wouldn’t make it, in spite of their best efforts. I cried that my other two brothers just chose not to come. I cried, a lot, and not for the reasons a Mother of the Bride normally cries. It still makes me sad to think of it, but a little less sad each day as I learn, once again, that time does heal all wounds.

When I look back now, I see much more of the positive…I see Steph, Rylee and I working our asses off to figure out how to load the car with all of our supplies, wind whipping our faces and rain pelting our clothes.  We were determined to get our cars to the hotel, in spite of every road being blocked, I see the neighbors at our Airbnb (again strangers who were so kind) waving and cheering us on as they let us drive through their yards in order to get out. I see my nephew Nick and my German cousin Jasper unloading the cars, returning rental cars, running errands, just being there for me for anything I needed. I see the happy faces of some of the guests when we arrived at the hotel, smiles and hugs and the reality for Micaela and Noah that they were, in spite of a hurricane, going to be married. I see our friends at the Welcome Party – in their best dressed outfits, laughing, enjoying and being “present” for us. I see Steph’s sisters helping us with the emergency lunch we had to have for the bridesmaids when the ceremony time got pushed back. I see Rylee’s friend Meredith printing edited toasts and running from store to store to buy those last minute supplies, we couldn't buy the day before. I see the texts from friends offering to watch our dogs, to pick up ice, to do anything they could do to help us. I see our Greenville dog sitter, unselfishly texting back “yes” when I tell him our dog plan fell through due to the weather and could he stay with four dogs at an Airbnb with no electric for an entire weekend. I don’t know what we would have done without that YES. I see Micaela’s wedding planner calmly hearing the news that the chapel was unusable and coming up with the most beautiful Plan B I have ever seen, all in six hours time. I see my nieces and nephews who drove through hell and high water to get there, smiling at me as I walked down the aisle, tears in their eyes. I see my friend Kathy, the officiant, leading us at the Rehearsal. I will never ever forget the beautiful ceremony she performed to marry my child. I see Rylee and Lainey and Spencer helping, engaged, loving their sister and Noah, with tears streaming down their faces as they witnessed their sister and new brother express such deep felt love for one another. I see my cousin from Germany and her family who loved us enough to make the trip. I see the astonishment in their eyes after surviving their first hurricane – knowing they have so many stories to tell. I see my mom, healthy and thriving and singing along to Wide Open Spaces surrounded by her granddaughters.  

I see so many little miracles that had to occur to make the day happen, let alone as spectacular as it was. I see Micaela and Noah working together, as a team, fully dialed in to each other, fully supporting each other, making decisions, important decisions, on the fly but always together. I see my savior and hero, Stephanie, working and working and running around, and still looking beautiful with a smile on her face, saving the day in so many ways, big and small – from Lowe’s trips, to roof repairs, to negotiating a way out of the Airbnb with the neighbors, to loading, unloading, packing, unpacking – to the hugs for me, the reassurances that it would, indeed, all work out, to her smile when she saw her family, to her laughter on Friday night as she sat with our friends, to me talking her into holding my hand as we walked down the aisle – I could not have survived the weekend without her. She is my best friend, my best teammate and the best partner and stepmom I could have ever asked for. 

Looking back now, I mostly see my beautiful daughter and her husband. I see her happiness, her resilience, her ability to pivot when things got tough and her plan went up in smoke, I see her making the best of the situation and allowing the changes to just “be”. I see Noah loving her and encouraging her and accepting her tears and just hugging her through it – setting his own disappointment aside to be fully present for her. I see a team, much like me and Steph, both accepting their roles and utilizing their strengths to navigate a very difficult situation. I see the makings of a successful marriage, two best friends with their whole lives ahead of them. 

I can’t put into words the feelings I had the entire day on Saturday. At times, I was distracted at having to plan certain aspects, making decisions without consulting anyone and just hoping for the best. At times, I was fully engaged seeing Micaela and her bridesmaids in all their splendor, soaking in the glorious day. They were all so happy and entirely beautiful. To know Micaela has such wonderful friends to stand by her side is such a comfort. 

Micaela and I didn’t share any quiet times, I didn’t pass on any sage advice, I have done that throughout her life, she didn’t need me to tell her anything on this day, besides that she would be ok, she wouldn’t pass out, it was good they wrote their own vows, and it would all be worth it in the end. I just tried to be there for her and, under the circumstances, I hope I did okay. 

When it was time for the ceremony to start, I was able to drop all the anxiety, sadness, disappointment, and worry.  I walked down the aisle in the makeshift chapel, hand in hand with Stephanie, sat down, took a breath and just was. What followed was the most special, romantic, intimate ceremony I have ever been a part of.  Tears streamed down my face several times - when I made eye contact with my most special guy, Noah, when my best friend and officiant, Kathy, struggled to fight her own tears, when my beautiful daughters walked down the aisle right before their sister, when I rose to witness Miceala - eyes focused on a tearful Noah, make her triumphant passage down the aisle, in front of so many people who love her, to her soulmate, Noah.  And, of course, when I heard them speak their promises to one another. When I saw my other daughters cry at the beauty of it all and the sweetest other boy of our family, Spencer, finally end his struggle to stop the tears, letting a few fall slowly down his cheeks. It was a rendering for all of us, a letting go and letting God reconciliation of thanks for being there, being together and experiencing something we would never forget. 

The reception was... well, let’s just say it seemed everyone had had enough of the weather and the stress and was just ready to party. It was one for the ages. I feel so blessed that the people who were able to make it, were truly present.  I had to lie to get the German rope ceremony to happen, Nick bought a $5 rope at Walmart - we all did our part to make sure Micaela and Noah got the full wedding they deserved. 

We did our "cool kid" jagermeister shot (IYKYK) in the bathroom Micaela offering a hilarious toast and a rousing rendition of Ein Prosit, the bartender had to get more vodka because the original allotment ran out, and when the DJ started the night with my signature song, “Pour Some Sugar on Me”, I knew we were in for an epic evening. I even got to buy “shots for the bar” at the after party. I think everyone agrees it was a perfect night. 

I was honored to get to do the toast at the reception to commemorate the evening. It is copied below if you are still reading (haha).  I love this new role I have been given by my family and friends.  It gives me the opportunity to dial in to my thoughts, feelings and memories, and express myself to those who are important to me.  I always knew I had a gift for writing, but the public speaking aspect is new.  I enjoy it.  So, while those I am toasting think of it as my gift to them, in reality it is their gift to me. 

This wedding of my oldest was an experience. One that I wouldn’t trade for the world, even with everything that happened. I come away thankful that no one was hurt, thankful for those friends and family who made the night so special, and thankful for my immediate family of 5 growing into 6, with the joining of my most special son in law. The event marked the passing of time for me, the mark of a new phase in my life as my daughter now embarks on the most important phase of hers.

(keep scrolling past the photos for the toast)     

Good evening, everyone.  My name is Gretchen, and I am blessed and honored to speak to you tonight as the Mother of the Bride!  Along with my partner, Stephanie, and Micaela’s dad, Joe, we want to thank you for coming to celebrate Micaela and Noah.  We know many of you traveled from around the country, through a hurricane,  and cancelled flights, navigated road closures, dodged down trees and electrical lines and somehow managed to show up looking so handsome and beautiful, thank you for being here. 

It may be cliché, but I am pretty positive that if I had ordered the perfect partner for Micaela from Amazon, Noah would have been delivered to my door.  When we first met Noah at Thanksgiving in 2020, Micaela described him as a friend that she had met at her apartment community and had become close to during the Covid shutdowns.  Steph and I were curious of course, wondering if there was something more to the story.  After all, Micaela had been single for more than a year, we knew she was “dating to marry” and even had a top ten checklist that she had created to make sure the next guy met her standards. So, we met Noah and our now first grand dog, Dexter, and we were immediately both intrigued and impressed.  What he showed us that first weekend are attributes we still see in him to this day.  He is respectful, helpful, funny, engaged, caring, he loves family.  After dinner, and more than a few drinks, Noah and I hit our kitchen dance floor and, after seeing his dance moves, I really hoped he was a keeper.  To no one’s surprise, it wasn’t long after that weekend that Micaela informed us that Noah was her boyfriend.  We can all rest assured that Noah had a job, a clean house, lived within his means, hung his clothes in the closet, had very little debt, had a high credit score, loved animals, had clean shoes, and loved our family – how do we know these things you may be wondering? We know these things because those attributes were what made up Micaela’s top ten checklist.  She’s practical if nothing else.    

Let me tell you a little bit about Micaela. She has a gentle heart, she has always been one to cling to routine and schedules, to this day unexpected changes completely unacceptable.  You all can just imagine how unbearable the last 72 hours have been for me and Noah,  yet here we are. After all she was born on her due date, settled right in as the perfect sleeper and hit every milestone right when she was supposed to. She had, what I like to call, a shining light around her, literally always happy and concerned for others, everyone noticed it and commented on it.  She is the consummate older sister and became mommy’s little helper to her two younger siblings, by the ripe old age of 3.  Forever patient with her sisters and especially with me, she was inclusive and empathetic beyond her years.  She is special.

Micaela, when I gave birth to you, my life’s purpose was also born. My love for you is eternal and now I see that love reflected in Noah’s eyes when he looks at you.  Being your mother has been my greatest honor, to get to know you first, love you first and have a front row seat to your magic has been God’s greatest gift to me.  Because of you I unashamedly wear my heart on my sleeve, I know what unconditional love is, and I know what it feels like to watch a little girl grow up into a beautiful woman and become one of my best friends.  I hope you know that I am thankful for you, every single day.  

While Micaela was my little rule follower, I have been told that Noah brought his own special energy to the world.  Rough and tumble, a boy’s boy in every sense of the word, a rubble rouser from the first grade on, he like to raise a little hell.  He is one of the hardest workers and best providers I know, fiercely loyal and eternally protective of those he loves.  These attributes remind me of my dad, Micaela’s Opa, a German immigrant who came to the USA with literally nothing and, along with my mom, built what anyone would describe as an incredible life.  There are 12 grandchildren in our family, and my daughters are the only girls.  Opa, being old school, always worried a little more about them, wanted to be sure they were cared for and loved and, yes, found someone to protect them.  I know his spirit is here tonight, relishing in all of the splendor surrounding his first granddaughter marrying a strong, solid man who will be by her side for all of life’s ups and downs.  Opa would have loved you, Noah, and I am so sad that you never got to meet. 

Micaela, you are so ready to be Noah’s wife.  Your nurturing way, your ability to make a house into a home, and the way you focus Noah and calm him when storms come his way.  Be his best mate, be his sidekick, but most of all never stop being his girlfriend and loving partner.  Support him, love him, be tender with him and insist that he be tender with you.  He needs that from you.  Noah’s future role in your family as breadwinner and father is the perfect complement to the dream you have always had to be a wife, homemaker and mother.  It is with such great joy that I know you have found him, please always cherish him. 

Noah, I think I knew even before you did that you were going to be Micaela’s husband.  I knew by the light that shined in her eyes when she looked at you, I knew by the way she talked about you, how she admires you, the respect she has for you, you are the man she had been searching for.  So, while she has been mine for the most wonderful season of my life, it is time for me to let her go to be your wife.  While my heart may remember the sweet moments of the past, her future belongs to you.  I ask that you celebrate her as I have all these years.  Every day continue to make her feel amazing, smart and strong.  Believe in her and be her safe place and her protector, the arms she can fall into when life gets to be too much.  While Micaela and I loved each other first, it is my sincere hope that you and she will love each other last.  

To you both, here is the reality, any long-term relationship, including marriage, is hard and only a fool would tell you it isn’t.  There are many of us in this room who have been with our partners for 20, 40, and even 60 years.  I think we would all agree that we made it this long because of forgiveness, tolerance, patience and moving past mistakes that were made. We chose our partner every single day – on days when one of our dogs piddled on the floor from excitement,  on days when one of us played video games a little too long,  on days when the other one of us made us watch the Kardashians for the hundredth time, on days when our roof leaked, and on days when a hurricane tried to ruin our wedding  – we all got up the next day and we chose each other . I want you to know that long marriages make it because of hard work.  While it isn’t easy, it is so worth it.  It’s worth it because you did it together, it’s worth it because you get to share the good and the bad with someone who is in the trenches with you every day, it’s worth it because one day you will look back at your story with pride that you made it. After watching you two work together and support one another over the last 48 hours, I saw firsthand what a great team you are. I am impressed.  

Finally, as many of you know, one of my favorite things to do is to buy “shots for the bar”.  The Jägermeister shot sitting in front of you is the wedding reception equivalent of me standing on a barstool, yelling “shots for the bar” as strangers cheer and my friends laugh, all the while Steph tries to pull me down and cover my mouth!  It is at this time I want to ask everyone to stand and raise your shots in celebration of Micaela and Noah.  I want to invite my family and those friends, who have been around long enough to know the words, to lead us in a round of Ein Prosit.  As the official celebration song of my family, this night wouldn’t be complete without it. 

Micaela and Noah – May you continue to choose each other first, just you have today. Here's to a lifetime of happiness and success, endless trips to Skyline Chili and self-care Thursdays for Micaela, video game nights and Zaxby’s for Noah, much laughter, long lasting friendships, a houseful of pets and many children and, by golly, the Bengals winning the Super Bowl. I love you both more than words can say. Prost!